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It was me who managed to spill a glass of water over the notes Mourinho waved to a raptured audience at his unveiling news conference.

Because they’re so light, they defy proper waste management, floating off trash cans and sanitation trucks like they’re being raptured by a garbage god.

According to officially sanctioned dogma, each citizen was chosen by God, in effect, “raptured.”

I’m – barring some apocalyptic nightmare scenario where all the real doctors on earth are raptured and my Girl Scout first aid training is suddenly considered a high degree of medical skill – never going to be a doctor.

Based on some Christians’ interpretation of Revelation, the New Testament’s final book, Jesus will return to Earth, believers will be raptured to heaven and will leave unbelievers behind.